I’ve been working in the field of loss and grief – both informally and formally – for over 28 years now. I’ve been privileged to walk alongside many mourners of all ages while they work to make sense out of their experience of loss. Dealing with the death of a loved one is one of life’s most difficult challenges. Over the years, I’ve learned a great deal from those with whom I have worked. I continue to learn.
A few years ago, I wrote the following thoughts on the differences between grief and mourning. The reality is that we must experience both in order to heal. I am hopeful you find these words helpful.
“Hey Mark! What’s the difference between grief and mourning?”
Recently, someone posed this question and it’s a good one! We sometimes assume they are the same thing. Although they are related, parallel experiences, they are not exactly the same.
Grief is a reactive process. Grief is the entire constellation of mental, emotional, physical, spiritual and relational experiences associated with the loss of someone or something of value. Grief is the loneliness; the sadness; the sense of abandonment; the fear; the anger; the feelings of emptiness. It is the tightness in the chest; the headaches; the insomnia; the lack of appetite; the fatigue. It is the confusion; the magical thinking; the disbelief; the shattered Faith. It is the agitation with others; the impatience; the short temper; the clinginess. It is questioning of God; the wondering; the longing; the search for meaning. These are but a few of the indicators of Grief.
Mourning, on the other hand, is Grief Gone Public! Mourning, therefore, is a proactive process. It is the externalizing of the grief experiences that are common to all! It is the combination of expressions of grief that are unique to each individual. It is writing; singing; crying; listening to music; running; lifting weights; getting a massage; talking to others; quiet times of reflection; reading books, poems and articles; it is “digging in the dirt”; support group participation; prayers. Mourning is the process of “meaning making” ~ a process that will ultimately and eventually lead us to reconciliation, integration and healing. To borrow from Dr. Alan Wolfelt, “we must both grieve (feel) and mourn (express) if we are to heal.
I am hopeful that this has helped to clarify your own personal journey of grief or the journey of one close to you.
“If you know someone who is struggling with the loss of a loved one, a pet or other major life loss, perhaps Awaken to Good Mourning can help.
Peace!
Mark E. Hundley
