Losing a loved one or friend to death is one of life’s most devastating experiences. When adolescents lose a peer to death, the outcome can be particularly devastating. One of the hallmarks of adolescence is a relative feeling of invincibility. They tend to believe that death cannot touch them personally. When that bubble bursts, adolescents often find themselves struggling to make sense of what happened.
I had the privilege of observing a large group of teens today at their high school, struggling to come to terms with the untimely deaths of two of their peers. As is often the case, their expressions of emotion touched the extremes and danced on all points in between on this continuum of loss. Having worked with bereaved adolescents for over a quarter of a century, I was not surprised by what I observed. In a setting unfettered by outside influences or arbitrary expectations, these teens, like humming birds courting a flower, floated above the enormity of their personal grief, engaging in mild banter and conversation one moment only to dive unexpectedly into the heart of the source of their shared sadness.
The district and high school of which these teens are a part, worked to create as safe a space as possible for these adolescents to begin working on their grief. On this, the first day at school after the tragedy, the district provided extra counselors at the school all day; opened the library for any/all students who needed to come in for informal conversations with peers in small or large groups; distributed bottled water on request; served snacks; made available expressive arts materials; and created an atmosphere that invited students to begin the process of healing.
There are Six Mourning Needs that adolescents have that must be addressed when they lose a loved one or peer. They have a need to:
- Acknowledge the reality of the death by participating in appropriate mourning rituals – The informal setting invited spontaneous expressions of grief and mourning.
- Move toward the pain of loss while being nurtured physically, emotionally and spiritually – The pain of loss can be immense. The presence of caring adults created a nurturing environment that encouraged students to explore their grief in a safe setting.
- Convert the relationship from one of Presence to one of Memory – The availability of expressive arts materials opened the door for students to begin investigating their feelings at levels deeper than mere words can express.
- Develop a new self-identity based on a life without the person who died – The setting, materials and caring adults helped create a context for the students to start envisioning a world without their dear friends – a world that requires them to re-define self.
- Relate the experience of death to a context of meaning – The random conversations throughout the library were peppered with questions and statements that reflected a need to find and create meaning out of a seemingly meaningless event.
- A continued supportive adult presence in future years – Although this final point cannot be guaranteed, the promise and possibility were planted in the hearts of those teens making them more likely to reach out for support in the future when they need it.
For me, today was adolescent grief observed. As I watched and listened and pondered and interacted I became more sure that when caring adults create a safe environment and then open the door for adolescents to explore their grief, the possibility of healing increases exponentially.
Peace!
Mark E. Hundley
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