The Two-Sided Coin. A Lesson in Lifeonomics!

I have been away for the last two months ~ not necessarily by choice ~ spending an unexpected amount of time reconciling the details of many changes in our lives since October.

Our lives are no different from our fellow travelers on this planet. We shift between the poles of positive and negative events working to create a perspective that allows us to make sense of the oft times complicated nature of those events.

I am anxious to outline how the events of the past two and half months now form the foundation of the direction I will take in the coming new year. I am hopeful that you will find this first newsletter of 2011 to be useful, inspiring and thought provoking.

I often refer to life as a two-sided coin when working with clients. Periodically when discussing the unique challenges presented by a particular set of circumstances, I take a quarter from my pocket and extend it to my client while saying, "Here. Take this quarter, but only the tails side." Routinely, clients in mid-reach and with a quizzical look, say something like, "That's impossible! I can't take just one side of the coin!"

As with the coin, taking hold of life requires that we take the whole ~ not just the part or side that we prefer. No matter how often we would like to separate the good from the bad, the hurtful from the helpful, the cloudy from the clear, the reality is that we cannot.

Early October found me accepting a new position as Director of the Boys and Girls Clubs of Collin County Family Services Counseling Center ~ previously a free-standing non-profit organization that was absorbed by the Boys and Girls Clubs of Collin County. This invitation came from out of the blue and carries with it unprecedented possibilities! Then, on the heals of this news, Vanessa's mother, who had been living with us for several months and under hospice care, took a turn for the worse. After a two-week hospital stay, she lost her battle with cancer and COPD. She died on October 10.

November ushered in a series of challenges related to beginning the process of handling my mother-in-law's estate as well as the acceleration of an option we thought was at least two years away. As Vanessa and I visited, we discovered that she could retire from public education sooner than expected. The decision was made ~ she would retire as soon as possible.

December was no different. We found ourselves embracing experiences that were both invigorating and deflating. Vanessa finished her final day of public education on the 17th after 32 years of involvement at various levels in the business. As with any retirement, she had mixed feelings of both elation and letdown. Then in the midst of the excitement of Holidays, I received news from a former school colleague indicating that his young 4 yo niece died suddenly on Christmas morning. The news reminded me of the complicated nature of life.

On New Year's Day morning ~ while contemplating personal and professional goals for the new year, I received a call that a dear friend had finally succumbed to the cancer he battled for two and a half years. I will share more of this family's story shortly.

Lessons in Lifeonomics ~ the coin that cannot be divided or separated. If either side of the coin were to always land in view when tossed in the air and caught, I fear that we would become one dimensional ~ either enamored with false positivity or encumbered with unbearable defeat.  Lifeonomics teaches us that there is an ebb and flow to life ~ that the unpredictability inherent in life provides us opportunities to grow and learn.  I am hopeful that as you contemplate entering into this new year, you will find comfort and perspective in this brief lesson. The Bible says, ". . . and it came, to pass." Perhaps the meaning of this phrase is best communicated in this way. "And IT came . . . only to pass." Whatever we face ~ whatever we experience will not last. It is here only for a season and in that season we must take hold of the whole of life.

This story has its genesis on Christmas Eve 1991. June and Britt had a wonderful life in the making! Fulfilling careers, friends, family close by and two wonderful children. Nothing could have prepared them for the life altering events on that particular evening ~ an evening routinely filled with joy, anticipation and frivolity.

While the family members were in various places, preparing for the celebratory Season, a tragic accident took the life of then ten year old Zach. June and the rest of her family were completely devastated! Each one fought to make sense of the senseless ~ to find reason wrapped in the unfathomable. They did their best to take each day as it came ~ living and walking through the fog.

Over the next few months, all associated with June and her family worked to create a sense of stability and normalcy knowing that the void left by Zach's death would never be completely filled. A few months later, June's sister died ~ another unexpected blow. June was on the ropes, reeling from the double whammy issued by life. Then, without warning, she received the potential knock out punch.

A mere eighteen months after the death of her beloved Zach, her husband Britt died in his sleep! How much more pain could life dish out to one person? It was after this third blow that I met June for the first time in 1993.

Over the next several years, June worked hard to reconcile her personal losses and create a new life. The journey was not easy; however, through it all, June remained determined to find a sense of peace ~ a sense of comfort from which to draw strength for daily living. June learned to not only experience the grief of her losses, she learned the power of mourning as well. She came to understand the truth of the phrase, "Blessed are those who MOURN, for they shall find comfort."

The Journey of Hope did not exist when June's life was turned upside down. If it had, perhaps her daughter would not have struggled as painfully with her personal losses as she did. When the Journey of Hope started in the summer of 1998, June was immediately drawn to its mission of helping families. June found a home there working with teens and then parents who had lost children to death. She was amazing in her work!

As June rebuilt her life and forged new directions, she eventually met Brian. The chemistry was immediate and amazing! Not long after they met, I received a call from June asking me to perform their wedding and on a warm July afternoon in 2003 under a large tree in their back yard, their lives were joined. I was so happy for her ~ for THEM! They had each other and began weaving together a  unique "family on the blend" consisting of children, grandchildren and extended family members. All was well until . . .

I remember receiving the call in August of 2008 ~ Brian had been diagnosed with small cell cancer that had invaded his lungs and brain. Everyone in June's life scrambled to the call. Initially, the doctors gave him just a few months, but they didn't know Brian. Brian, with June's support and love, fought back and did so furiously! He made it through the summer and then the fall. He made it to Christmas and beyond! Hope swelled! Chemo and radiation. Doctors and hospitals. Family and friends. All of these became the routine. Brian defied all conventional wisdom and projections; however, Brian was still sick. He still had cancer and that reality was never far under the surface.

June, Brian and the family learned to live each day to the fullest possible. They laughed, cried, shared, celebrated, contemplated, played and loved. They did so with a depth not often experienced. Then, I received another call.

Eleven days before Christmas 2010, June called and said that she felt the time was rapidly approaching. I knew what she meant. I drove to their home and sat at Brian's bedside. Even thought his body showed the ravages of his battle with cancer, his indomitable spirit shone through his eyes and smile! He was peaceful . . . realistic . . . honest. He was "ready" to use his word. I asked him if he thought he would make it through Christmas and he indicated that he hoped he would. As I left him with a prayer and a kiss on the top of his bald head, I hoped that he would as well.

He did make it through Christmas ~ one final Season of Celebration with his loved ones. Then on New Year's Day 2011, I received a call from June. "He's gone" she said. "He died at 9:33 this morning." Just like that ~ gone. After so much pain, so much hope, so much struggle ~ gone. I showered and went to their home as quickly as possible.

June found herself in a place she had been so many times before and yet this was different ~ every experience of death is different. She was June ~ strong, present, talking, aware and . . . sad. We talked at length while the beehive of support activity began to swell around us.

June said, "Mark, after all of this settles down, I'd really like to become involved with Journey of Hope again. I can't tell you how much I miss being able to provide support for parents who have lost children."

I have no doubt that June will become involved again and the families she encounters will be the better for her involvement, but first . . . there are goodbyes to be said.

Wednesday January 5, 2011, we will bid farewell to our friend, Brian. June has asked me to officiate at the funeral. I am honored to do so. I do not know why some experience more than their share of pain in life. It always has been and always will be a mystery; yet through this walk with June and her family I am reminded of the power of mourning.

June has lived the power of mourning which has allowed her to receive comfort, enjoy courtship again, face cancer and live life with courage. I am hopeful that her story will serve as a lesson in possibility for you. I know it does for me!

I wish each of you a prosperous and hope filled New Year! Be looking for updated information in the next couple of weeks related to the Every Step Has a Story project as well as upcoming events in which you might have an interest! Thank you for your interest and support in 2010! I look forward to a wonderful 2011!