In previous essays, I have explored three of what I consider Life’s Four Givens — The first sets the stage – Life is a Struggle; the second frames the common human experience – Lives are Shattered; the third verifies its continuity – Life Goes On; while the fourth defines its context – Relationships Do Continue!
Eventually, I will share the other five components of what I call The Relationship Grid, but for now I will focus on the final of the Four Givens!
Often when life’s "mean times" come, we tend to spend more time than is useful seeking to alter that which is inalterable! We literally wear ourselves out worrying about things over which we have very little if any control! By the time we finally acknowledge that struggle is a natural part of life and affects everyone; that shattering of lives (dreams, hopes, plans, expectations) flow routinely from our struggles; that life truly goes on in all of its blended splendor and tragedy, we have spent much of our best mental, emotional, physical and spiritual energy in fruitless folly that borders on living in denial! The final Given deals with the inevitability that relationships continue regardless of our desire — whether we want them to or not! The good news about this final Given is that it is the first one that actually offers a modicum of choice!
You see, relationships continue in one or a combination of three ways:
- Relationships can continue in Memory.
- Relationships can continue in Actuality.
- Relationships can continue in Activity.
Memory relationships are fairly easy to recognize and define. They are the kinds of relationships that live in our minds, hearts, souls, spirits, bodies — in words and pictures and songs and emotions and sensations! These memory relationships can be of people, places, events, animals or things. Memory relationships can be positive, negative or neutral in nature. The ultimate effect they have upon our present lies in the meaning we give them — the power we bestow upon them — the beliefs we attach to them.
Actuality relationships are best defined as ones in which our interactions with people are sporadic and spread out — we actually have a relationship with them, we just don’t see them routinely! Now on the surface these types of relationships might seem the weakest of all — not true! These relationships can be some of the strongest we have! How often have you reconnected with an old friend — perhaps one you haven’t seen in years — only to find yourself picking up where you left off without skipping a beat? See! I bet you just had at least two people come to mind that fit this category. Now the converse is true as well. There are people with whom we are connected that we see only occasionally and each meeting is a test of patience at best! You know what I mean! You likely had about ten people pop into mind just now, didn’t you?
Activity relationships are just what they sound like — relationships initially defined by the frequency of physical exposure to others — people with whom we work or exercise or ride the bus. You see what I mean? A large number of these relationships could best be defined as "acquaintance" relationships. Many are relationships of necessity. Sometimes these relationships carry deeper and more meaningful significance as in marriage relationships, for example. At the same time, some of these relationships are simply necessary — that and no more!
The bottom line is that we have the ability to examine all of our relationships and categorize them from time to time. Further, we have the ability to ascribe the level of weight or meaning each carries for us. Man am I glad not all relationships carry the same weight or meaning! The fact that Relationships Do Continue automatically gives us the power and prerogative to choose the significance of each type.
Now, what does this have to do with my summer reflections? Glad you asked! Everything, to be exact!
You see, this summer I have had opportunity to explore relationships in each category and have come away — perhaps — a better person for the experiences!
At various times, I have been drawn to my memories. I have laughed, cried, wondered and reveled in my memories! Some have given me cause for hope! Others have created opportunities to expand my thought processes! Still others have touched a tender spot in my heart generating warmth and comfort. Some memories were from many years ago while others were born only this summer! I have summoned some of these memories while others have taken me totally by surprise! Some have been painful while others offered insight to a present day challenge. My Relationships of Memory have served me well and challenged me to explore them with more awareness.
Events of this summer have proved the power of people with whom I actually have a relationship but do not see often! I have shared with you the struggles of three of my friends — those who face the specter of cancer. Months and in one case, years, had passed before we were brought together again. In both instances, my role has been that of concerned supporter — yet, each these precious people brought priceless gifts to me as well! I have been and continue to be inspired and challenged by their courage and determination! We picked up right where we left off — no problem whatsoever! Although time and distance separated us, the bonds of love and respect served as invisible conduits of strength and assurance.
Late in the summer, I found myself in need of encouragement and support. Life had ambushed me and my family yet again. I reached out. Guess what? Yep! One of my dearest friends — a Relationship of Actuality — came in at just the right time with words of encouragement and love. Simply amazing! I am sure that as you read this, you are being reminded of similar experiences yourself!
Finally, the beauty of activity relationships has played out in two distinct arenas for me this summer! First when I was privileged to accompany my daughter Kacie and 14 of the most wonderfully unique high school students I have ever known on a trip to London! We were actively engaged on a daily basis for one weak and I rapidly grew to love and respect each one of them. Their openness, honesty and acceptance were refreshing beyond explanation! Although they have now shifted to the "actuality" category, I can truthfully say that our Relationship of Activity renewed my hope in the future and I thank them for allowing me into their lives!
On a more personal and intimate note, the time I had with my daughter, Kacie, was perhaps one of the most special in my life! The last time I remember having uninterrupted time with her was during the two plus years following the death of her mother and my wife, Christy — from January 1989 to March 1991. I was so very excited to have the chance to spend time with her — talking, listening, laughing, philosophizing, observing! She even put up with my snoring in our shared hotel room! My, my, my! What a wonderful young woman — wife, mother, professional! She is truly incredible! Of course, I have always known this, but our time together renewing our connections through a brief Relationship of Activity has added such value to my life! I have pictures — both physical and mental — of our week together that I will treasure forever! I am so proud to be her father — to be connected with such an amazing young woman! She is truly one of a kind — the mold was destroyed once she was made! She IS a difference maker leaving her footprints on the hearts of all she encounters! She can walk all over my heart anytime she wants to!
The other arena was the time I was privileged to spend with the USS Indianapolis Survivors. I will write extensively about that tomorrow (Sunday).
The acknowledgment of the fact that Relationships Do Continue simply opens the door for me to determine in what ways and to what extent my relationships in life will affect me. As I said earlier, this Given is the first of the four that provides a modicum of choice. My goal is to spend appropriate amounts of time (not too much and not too little) in each of the four categories so that I can be ready to fully address the other five yet to be discussed (I will do so in later essays).
As you come to the end of your summer, I encourage you to reflect on the relationships in your life. How often have your memories played a part in choices and decisions you have made? Are there perspectives that need changing as a result of you entertaining certain memories? What about those people that re-appeared in your life this summer? What impact have those re-appearances had on your life? What will you do with the reminders they brought along? Anyone with whom you are actively involved that might need a little extra attention? A little LESS attention? Are you mindful the environment in which these active relationships play out? What do you see there?
Relationships Do Continue! That is a GIVEN! HOW they continue is totally up to you!
Peace!
Mark
Copyright 2008 Mark E. Hundley
