The Holidays are upon us! Whether you celebrate Christmas, observe Hanukkah or engage in Kwanza festivities, the Holidays are here! Elements of celebration, remembrance, reflection and rejuvenation abound in each Holiday observance.
For those who have lost loved ones to death within the past three years or so, the Holidays can be brutal! The death of a loved one can alter the landscape of the Holidays in ways both obvious and subtle. As much as the loss of a loved one affects adults, the effects on children are often underestimated and in some cases, overlooked.
We adults must remember that children grieve and mourn as well. They feel and think deeply about their deceased loved one.
What can we as adults do during the Holidays to provide appropriate support for children who have lost loved ones? Allow me to share a few brief action points:
1. We can help children experience Stability. Stability carries with it a sense that even though life has changed, continuity still exists. Although our needs are similar, children have a unique set of needs that we as adults must work to understand. We must model the process of creating stability for the children in our lives so that they will learn to continue the process as they grow and mature. Stability communicates that even though a major part of life has changed there are others parts that remain unaltered.
2. We can help children experience Security. Children need a context within which to remember their loved one and mourn his/her death in healthy ways. When everything on which we have come to depend is suddenly thrown in the air, establishing a sense of security cannot be emphasized enough. In this area, Faith often plays a primary role. Faith can serve as a filter though which all experiences pass creating a sense of security. True faith stands up to tough questions – it invites questions! True faith promises strength to go through the heart of our struggles. We must work to help children access and incorporate the benefits of whatever faith or belief system that guides our lives.
3. We can help children experience Safety. Safety here refers to the feeling that children can say anything they feel like saying in the aftermath of a loss and not worry about the reaction they will receive – the sense that as they work to create meaning through their mourning, they do not have to fear being judged for their words, actions or feelings. Now this task is not always easy. There are many around us who are completely uncomfortable with talk of death, loss or grief in any context. We must select our support systems carefully and do our best to ensure that those systems are filled with safe people!
4. We can help children experience Structure. Perhaps the most difficult task is the creation of a new normal in which to rebuild life after the death of a loved one. The task of creating a New Normal requires a certain amount of structure. It requires that we ask questions such as, “How is this working? What has really changed? What remains the same? How do I know the difference? To whom do I need to turn for support? When do I take that step?” These are just examples of the types of questions that help create structure for grief reconciliation. Teaching children to ask questions and modeling for them the types of questions to ask can help them internalize the process for creating structure in their own lives.
There you have it! A few simple suggestions that might guide you in our efforts to provide support to grieving children during the Holidays. May you and the children in your life find comfort from these thoughts.
Peace!
If you are looking for a gift to give to someone who is grieving the death of a loved one this Holiday Season please consider Giving the Gift of Healing by giving Awaken to Good Mourning in either paperback or Kindle versions. Thousands of people have found comfort while reading this book. This is a gift that can make a profound difference in the life of one touched by the death of a loved one.
