"Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the kings horses and all the kings men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again!" Remember that one? Great fun to read, recite and recall! It conjures up some rather outrageous visuals as well! I'm guessing that almost all children know this nursery rhyme by heart. I've heard that all of those curious nursery rhymes I grew up with have deeper, hidden meanings attached to them. I don't know about that, but perhaps we can learn something from our egg-shaped friend on closer inspection.
In an earlier posting, I briefly touched on one of Life's Givens when I talked about struggle. Life actually contains Four Givens — the first of which is Life is a Struggle. The second simple given is that Lives are Shattered. Logic assumes that during the process of struggle, something will be shattered or broken — ideas; relationships; expectations; perceptions; dreams. Oh, and . . . if you grew up watching Western movies — chairs; windows; tables; axe handles; noses; bones — you get the picture. This logical sequence of events plays out each and every day we live!
The tragic little ditty about our dear Humpty provides an opportunity to examine this given in a different way.
Whenever we face "mean times," almost without exception parts of our lives are indeed shattered — anything from small cracks in our perceptions to the complete destruction of dreams — depending on the severity of the struggle. Sometimes we see the shattering coming and other times we are taken by surprise. Regardless, we are left with the daunting task of cleaning up the mess; working to make sense of the event; putting things back together again; starting over.
Unlike our fragile friend who (to borrow a description of people who can't become real from Margerie Williams' Velveteen Rabbit) "has sharp edges, breaks easily and has to be carefully kept," I believe that we all have the capacity to face the shatterings of life and emerge stronger and better! And . . . we don't need anyone else to do the job for us!
Throughout my years of working with people, I have learned a great deal from the resiliency of the human spirit. I often walk away humbled by the courage and determination expressed by those who face what often appears insurmountable and impossible — wondering if I possess the same strength of character I witness in them.
I would like to briefly share with you four lessons taught to me by ordinary people — people just like you and me — about dealing successfully with the Shatterings of Life.
- First, they have taught that we must Face the Event head-on — no going into "Denial Mode!" A friend of mine once told me, "The State of Denial is a great place to visit from time to time, but certainly no place to live!" I like that! Obviously, when a "mean time" enters our lives, a temporary state of denial can serve the purpose of allowing our thoughts and emotions time to catch up with the reality of the event; but to allow denial to become the dominant approach to the problem sets us up for a fall — much like good old Humpty positioning himself on the precarious perch of the wall to begin with. As difficult as it may be, we must turn and Face what has happened and acknowledge its reality. This enables us to take the next step.
- Second, they have conveyed that we must Embrace the Pain of the reality that has entered our lives. Embracing or hugging requires that we wrap our arms around another person and pull them toward us. There is something intimately familiar in an embrace — especially when it comes in the wake of a disagreement or disappointment. In a sense, there is an acknowledgement of ownership in an embrace. I am owning my responsibility in a relationship. I'm not sure Humpty possessed enough self-knowledge to do that. Perhaps he was unable to get his arms around the fact that if things were going to get better for him, he had to take some action and not simply expect others to do for him. Owning the pain of a shattering is a difficult but necessary task if we are to live through our "mean times!"
- Third, they have shared that we must also Re-trace our Steps leading up to the shattering event. Now don't get me wrong! I am not implying that we are responsible for all shatterings in our lives! On the contrary, the vast majority of our shatterings happen simply because we occupy space on this rock as it hurtles through our galaxy, interacting with all the forces that make life, life! As strange as it may seem however, we can sometimes begin to think that the shatterings we experience are as a result of something we have either done or left undone; as punishment for some deed or thought; as a result of being singled out by the Universe or God as a "lesson to others;" as part of our "destiny of doom!" See what I mean? Sometimes we have to re-trace our steps in order to realize that we are not responsible for all the shatterings that come our way. Perhaps Humpty lacked the ability to re-trace his steps and found himself Pitching Perpetual Pity Parties causing the potential support around him to grow tired and ultimately leave him alone to wallow in his self-created misery. Sometimes, we must realize that we are caught in the wake of the choices of others or the simple forces and laws of nature. Re-tracing our steps allows us to make distinctions.
- Finally, and perhaps most importantly, they have revealed that we must Replace our Messages of despair with messages of hope! Poor Humpty knew no message other than the one of despair. Without fail, my life teachers have demonstrated that successful message replacement occurs naturally when the previous three steps are taken. Instead of hearing them ask questions like, "Why me?" "Why now?" "Why this?" Or speak in terms of gloom and doom — my life teachers have demonstrated how courage changes perspective. They ask questions like, "What can I do to straighten this out?" "In which direction do I need to turn to find a solution?" "What lessons can I take from this experience?"
So . . . here are my questions today: What is the most recent shattering you have experienced? Where are you in your dealings with the situation? It is getting or has it gotten the best of you? Are you willing to take perhaps a different approach than normal? What one step will you take today to begin tapping your resiliencies?
At the minimum, I ask you to work on this for yourself. At the most, I ask you to share with others your journey and progress. Both will make you stronger and more able to face the next shattering!
Peace!
Mark
Copyright 2008 Mark E. Hundley
