What I write here today has been gnawing at me for quite some time now. A part of me wishes to NOT write this message for fear of being misunderstood. Another part — the part by the way that is winning out here — insists that the risk of being misunderstood is perfectly acceptable, so here goes!
Right up front, I do not want this essay to come across unduly pious, pompous or pedantic. Instead, I am hopeful that it might cause us to contemplate the power of the process rather than debate its morality or argue its impossibility! The more I think about the enormity of our assigned task of learning to live successfully in the meantimes, the more I am convinced that forgiveness must hold a more prominent place in our lives than it does at present.
I recently read an extremely outstanding article on the subject entitled "Forgiveness: How to let go of grudges and bitterness" by Katherine M. Piderman, Ph.D. I encourage you to read the article in its entirety by going to www.mayoclinic.com/health/forgiveness/MH00131 — you’ll be glad you did! Dr. Piderman makes a strong case for following the path of forgiveness and offers realistic encouragement as well.
Defining forgiveness is almost like nailing jello to the wall; however, the definition offered in the article goes a long way to providing the framework for what I want to say here today. The article states,
"There’s no one definition of forgiveness. But in general, forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentments and thoughts of revenge. Forgiveness is the act of untying yourself from thoughts and feelings that bind you to the offense committed against you. This can reduce the power these feelings otherwise have over you, so that you can live a freer and happier life in the present" (Piderman).
I am particularly fond of the part of the definition that talks about disengaging ourselves from the things that keep us bound to the cause or perpetrator of a specific "mean time" in our lives. That concept is almost revolutionary in nature! Imagine possessing the power to think, feel and act freely in life without undue and unnecessary "carry over" from past events that have created grief in our lives! Wow!
The article even explores the relative health benefits attained by traveling on the forgiveness train! Dr. Piderman shares that:
Researchers have recently become interested in studying the effects of being unforgiving and being forgiving. Evidence is mounting that holding on to grudges and bitterness results in long-term health problems. Forgiveness, on the other hand, offers numerous benefits, including:
§ Lower blood pressure
§ Stress reduction
§ Less hostility
§ Better anger management skills
§ Lower heart rate
§ Lower risk of alcohol or substance abuse
§ Fewer depression symptoms
§ Fewer anxiety symptoms
§ Reduction in chronic pain
§ More friendships
§ Healthier relationships
§ Greater religious or spiritual well-being
§ Improved psychological well-being
Could forgiveness be the salvo to cause the people of the world to cease self and other destructiveness? The gateway to personal and global peace? The path to mutual understanding and tolerance? The answer to the health care crisis? (OK. Thought I’d make sure you were paying attention on that one) But seriously, when you look at the benefits listed above, who wouldn’t want to cut back a little on the meds that are becoming increasingly prominent in the treatment of issues we have in common? I know that I would certainly like to cast aside my BP meds in exchange for a calmer existence!
Every single day I awake, I am reminded of how many events affect our lives that have as part of their root cause, some aspect of a single individual, group, government, ideology, theology, philosophy, etc. that has been offended; wronged; derided; accused; maligned; misused; abused; attacked; slandered; — and the list goes on. We find ourselves in the middle of multiple, concurrent crises that threaten to obliterate our way of living and frankly, people are becoming frightened — pulling in to themselves — building emotional and relational barriers that will be defended at all costs! It’s just damned scary sometimes to open the paper or turn on the media news!
What in the world do we do?
Please allow me a brief segue into fantasy land — We are all aware of the credit crunch going on — credit card bills; mortgage crises; tighter bankruptcy laws; increasing foreclosures; bank failures and mergers — you get the picture! It sometimes seems that the Government wants to place all the blame for the credit crises we face squarely on the shoulders of you and me! It’s all OUR fault that the economy is going down the toilet! But let’s be honest here. If banks were not so free with their credit card offers to people already well beyond their capacity to manage in the first place, we might not find ourselves in such hot water! Without going into great detail, I believe that all of us — ALL of us share culpability in what we face right now. I wonder what might happen if all of us — ALL of us (Government; big business; consumers alike) gathered together and decided that right now — TODAY we were going to draw a line and start over?
Start WHAT over? Well, almost everything! Let’s face it, Government; big business; the banking industry; the energy industry — any entity on this planet is really hurting right now! For example what if all banks looked at their books and said,
"You know, we are as much at fault for your debt as you are, Mr. American! We continued to offer you lines of credit even though we and you knew that you were unable to handle the load. Knowing as we do that credit can be addictive, we continued to feed your habit all the while knowing that we were likely to come to this point one day. However, in an effort to keep up our standing in the business community, we continued to shovel the plastic your way. We are deeply sorry for our failure to treat you with the dignity and respect you deserve; therefore, we are going to forgive 90% of your debt right now! We understand that you did not go into debt with us completely of your own accord and that you have every desire to repay your obligations. Things have just gotten out of hand for all of us! In an effort to re-establish a positive working relationship with you and your family, in exchange for the absolution of 90% of your debt to us, we ask that you repay the remaining 10% on terms that are commensurate with your ability to do so. Further, we encourage you to re-establish credit with us by accepting this one credit card from us (credit limit tied to ability to pay based on income, etc.) with a reasonable interest rate as well as a built in savings component. As your financial institution, we further feel an obligation to provide service that exceeds previous standards. This new service includes an annual review of your financial situation complete with suggestions and counsel — free of charge, mind you — so that we can earn the right to be a partner in your success!"
Each American would then be able to choose only one or two credit cards to begin with and never more than their ability to pay. Other details could be worked out by minds much smarter than mine, but you get the picture!
OK! I am back from La La Land! Crazy? Yep! You bet it is! Probably wouldn’t happen in a million years! But folks, we desperately need a new approach to our collective problems! We need a new approach to our individual problems!
Living in the present becomes increasingly more difficult with each passing day. We are haunted and hounded by decisions from our past as well as the collateral effects of the decisions made by others (read other people, Government, business, etc.). We carry the burdens of anger; bitterness; blame; shame; guilt; regret and are, more often than not, unable to catch and capture the possibilities of the present because our arms are so full.
Now I know that my little fantasy scenario will likely never happen, but what might happen if you and I were to begin to extend forgiveness to ourselves for the decisions we have made that opened the doors for "mean times" to enter? Remember, most of the time we do the best we can with what we have at the time we have it! Forgive yourself!
I further wonder what might happen if, as we become more comfortable in forgiving ourselves, we began extending that forgiveness to others around us? Might we free our arms a bit more to catch hold of the possibilities of today and begin building a better future based on the power of forgiveness?
I don’t know . . . maybe! But I DO know this! We won’t know unless we work at it!
Until next time . . .
Peace . . . and . . . Forgiveness!
Mark Hundley
P.S. ~ Please read Dr. Piderman’s article! It covers much that I did not! Hope you like it!
Copyright 2008 Mark E. Hundley
