On Day Sixty-Six of my 365 day writing challenge, I am reminded of the Power our Presence Plays in the lives of others. So often we feel compelled to do or say or be something for someone in some situation about which we may know very little. When we step in at these times, we often find ourselves fumbling through forced conversations or grasping desperately for anything to ease the awkwardness of the moment. In all honesty, most of our attempts originate from a place of good will. We really do want to help. As much as our intents and purposes find their genesis in pure motives, our delivery falls short.
As I write early this morning, I am reminded of two stories that point to the Power of Presence. I was directly involved with one of these stories and the second has had such profound impact on me that I share it often.
Story One: I am known as “Golgi” to my three grandsons. I owe that cherished moniker to my oldest grandson. We were attempting to get him to call me “Gramps” when he was a wee, little tyke and the only thing he would do when asked where “Gramps” was, was point. One day, Vanessa suggested that he just call me “Old Gramps.” For some reason, that got his attention. He paused, quietly reflecting and then came out with, “Golgi!” Well, it stuck and I’m glad it did! I LOVE that name! OK . . . on with the story.
It seems that when grandson number one was about five years old, he was having a particularly bad day while he and his mother were visiting friends. He was having such a bad day that he found himself isolated in an upstairs room at the friend’s house in an extended period of “time out!” I received a call from his mother asking if I might have time to come over and visit with the little guy. Of course I agreed and jumped in the car. I wish I could have captured the confused look on his face when I walked in the room after gently knocking. It was like his face reflected the questions running through his mind, “What the heck are YOU doing here? This is not my house or room! How did you know I was here?” It was priceless! I entered the room and asked if I could have a seat next to him. He nodded and then looked down into his lap.
Perhaps he thought I was going to scold him or be angry with him. I don’t know but we sat in silence for a good two minutes. Finally I asked, “Rough day, huh?” He nodded without saying a word.
“Care to talk about it?” He simply shook his head indicating that he did not and continued to contemplate his navel. “OK,” I responded. “We’ll just sit here together.” And we did . . . for quite a while. Finally after a few minutes, he looked up at me with big tears and said, “I’m sorry!” Now, he didn’t have to apologize to me. I was not offended in any way by him or his bad day and yet he felt the need to apologize. I said, “Well, thank you but you didn’t do anything to upset me. I appreciate your kindness and thoughtfulness, though.”
What happend next has gone down in family history as “The Golgi Talk.” I can’t say for sure what we talked about but I spent a couple of hours with him in a room that belonged to neither of us and the Power of my Presence resonates with him to this day. Eventually, he pulled himself together, appropriately apologized to those due an apology and went about the rest of his day in a much better mood. Every time I mention to him how much that day means to me, he grins, leans over for a hug and says, “Yeah!” That took place some 8 years ago. My guess is that the impact will continue long into the future.
Story Two: A young man whom I deeply respect and with whom I had the privilege of working while serving as Clinical Director of a non-profit counseling center, shared the following story about the Power of Presence. It deserves mention here.
Mike (not his real name) was completing his graduate field practicum in counseling when we first met. I was immediately impressed with his knowledge, grasp of human behavior and spirit of kindness. I loved visiting with him about his cases and experiences with clients. Not long after he graduated with his masters in counseling, he moved to another state to further his training as a therapist. We stayed in touch and one day he shared the following with me.
It seems that not long after he began his tenure at the center he chose, a young man came in and was almost non-responsive. He was assigned a psychiatrist, a psychiatric nurse, a social worker and a therapist. He met with his therapist every Tuesday at 2:00 pm. My young friend shared that after several months at their facility, the young man was to be released. His progress was almost miraculous! He had blossomed into an engaging, outgoing, highly articulate young man. During the final exit session with his therapist, the young man asked, “Doc! Do you know what worked?”
Intrigued, the therapist responded with somethig like, “Was it the day we did ________?” The young man said, “Nope!”
The therapist then moved on to another day when a particular technique was used. “Nope, not that either!”
The two of them went through a sort of dance where the therapist mentioned a therapeutic technique only to receive the “Nope” response.
Finally, the young man said to the therapist, “You just don’t get it do you, Doc?” The therapist replied with a “No, I guess I don’t. Tell me what is was.”
The young man looked at the therapist and said, “It was every Tuesday at 2:00 pm with you, Doc!” I remember being overwhelmed with emotion when my young friend told me that story. It wasn’t the theory of treatment or specific techniques or even the setting. No, it was the Power of Presence that the therapist extended to that young man. He gave himself, his time and his attention. That’s what made the difference for the young man.
There you have it! This is a little long but certainly worth sharing. The next time you are tempted to do or be or say something when you are called upon to be with one who is hurting, why not offer the Power of Presence . . . YOUR presence!
Peace!
Mark E. Hundley
