Questions are some of the most powerful tools we have at our disposal. Well phrased, well positioned questions open doors, reveal hidden truths, invite collaboration, sharpen our focus and create contexts for clear communication. Approximately twenty years ago, a friend of mine told me, “Mark, statements merely tell but questions sell.” What an insightful statement! Think about it! Posing a great question can actually sway a person to an opposite side of a position.
I am a strong believer of questions. I guess I should seeing that I am a therapist. One aspect of my work as a therapist is to craft and ask good questions. I would like to share a sequence of questions I often use when working with clients. Perhaps asking these questions of yourself can open doors for you that have been difficult or impossible to open in the past. Here we go:
- What do you want (to do, be, have, experience)? I love asking this question because it always reveals the primary focus of the person I ask. Perhaps 85 % or the time, maybe more, the person begins his/her response with something like, “Well, what I don’t want is . . .” I allow them to finish the answer and then ask, “What kept you from answering the question I asked?” Often a puzzled look clouds the face and I hear, “But I just answered your question.” I respond, “I know you think you did; however, my question was ‘What do you want?” You addressed what you DON”T want. Do you see the difference?” After a moment, the person usually grins and responds affirmatively. Then I encourage him/her to give it another shot. They take a moment and then begin to thoughtfully respond with a focus on what they DO want. I believe it is nearly impossible to pursue what we do want in our lives if our thoughts are clouded with what we DON”T want. Since we tend to follow our focus, do you see where that type of answer leads?
- What obstacles stand in your way? This question is a great follow up to the first one – especially when we have answered the first question in a way that clearly outlines what we desire. It is imperative that we know what stands in our way when pursuing a goal. One of the main reasons it is important to identify the barriers in front of us is that we are more likely to create better, more mindful strategies to help us move through them in the pursuit of our goal.
- What kinds of things have you done in the past to address those obstacles? Once that question has been answered, we can then ask a kindred followup question: How did those approaches work? These two questions serve as evaluative tools that allow us to examine our actions and determine which ones were most effective and which have not proven useful.
- What are you pretending to not know about ________ ? Now this question can be a bit touchy if we are not careful. It is, however, an extremely important one to ask. Sometimes we find ways to obscure from ourselves, key items that affect the pursuit of our goal. It is a tough question! When answering it honestly, we have to dig deeply to see what we are pretending to not know – the things we ignore about ourselves, the situation, the other people involved, the strategies we use. If we ask this question honestly, we can expect an equally honest revelation that could help us reach our goal.
- What one thing are you willing to do daily for the next 30 days that you think might help move you toward the realization of your goal? Committing to just one thing and one thing only can often create a clearer, sharper focus of thought and action. When we focus on one key thing associated with meeting my goal, we often find that other components benefit.
I believe in asking good questions! I believe in answering them honestly! I believe that we will accomplish more and in a more effective/efficient manner if we dare to ask good questions.
Go ahead, ask those questions!
Peace!
Mark E. Hundley
