A few years back, my wife Vanessa and I were called upon to present a session related to Holiday challenges faced by individuals and families. As we did a little brainstorming about how to address some of the more common Holiday challenges, we decided to create a few "Common Holiday Characters" with which most of us are familiar. These characters resonated so well with those who attended the session, that we routinely dust them off each Holiday Season as a way to stay in touch with the experiences of our clients throughout the Holidays.
I invite you to read the following cast of characters and see if you can identify with any of the descriptions. Perhaps, we have nailed the description of some of your family members. Perhaps even you identify with one of the characters in a personal way.
Ultimately, our purpose in creating these characters is to encourage all of us to examine our expectations and actions related to the Holidays and where/when necessary, make appropriate changes or adjustments.
I hope you enjoy reading and invite your comments or even suggestions for other characters to add to the mix! Happy Holidays!
HOLIDAYS “R” US!
A Cast of Characters
Last Minute Louie – This guy believes in delaying everything to
the absolute last minute! Shopping,
sending greeting cards, making travel plans, responding to invitations, opening
mail with important information or directions, arriving at family gatherings,
etc. are all relegated to the back burner!
He does this, at least in part, to avoid various realities that might
impact the Holidays – i.e., financial deficits, not enough time, embarrassing
changes in his lifestyle or direction, to give himself the appearance of pseudo
importance to cover a sense of inadequacy and security and the like. This approach provides him with a plethora of
excuses for not attending certain functions, seeing or not seeing certain
individuals, committing to too many events, and the like. You just never know when/if/where/how Louie
might respond or show up!
Uncle Ebeneezer – This character takes his expression of
displeasure with various aspects of his life away from their true source and
displaces those feelings on other, usually unrelated events or people. These expressions most often appear as anger
toward people, activities and events that are safer and less threatening than
the real issues with which he struggles.
He becomes the “bah, humbug” of the Holidays. Often, personal relationships become
distressed and strained. Additionally,
work difficulties, chronic agitation, a bitter orientation toward life in
general, self-hatred and debilitating depression may result.
Charlie Changer – Change for the sake of change is the calling
card for old Charlie! He has a difficult
time accepting that parts of people, situations and Holidays change a little
each day or each observance. In order to
combat this discomfort with the natural cycle of change, his mission becomes changing
everything he can with little or no care for the feelings of others. He is an all-or-nothing, black-or-white kind
of guy. A new car, a new relationship/girlfriend/spouse,
a new job (the best one ever, by the way), a new way of celebrating the
Holidays are routine for him. Things
rarely have time to become meaningful – they MUST be changed!
Aunt Mini Mizer – This person tends to laugh off past Holiday disasters as being “nothing.” She does not
validate the importance or impact of past Holiday
events; therefore, the experiences of
others are minimized in the process. She
is the true "Queen of Denial” and seeks to keep unpleasant memories at bay
by controlling her feelings about past events or present fears and
anxieties. She also seeks to control the
feelings and experiences of other family members as well. If she successfully reduces Holiday
realities to “mere gnats in the soup,” then they can be extracted and cast
aside without notice or impact.
Hilda Hypochondriac – Keep the smelling salts handy, the
Ben-gay in stock and the medical dictionary opened! Hilda is coming with the latest disease,
ache, pain or malady! She is the one who
conveniently passes out almost every Holiday
gathering just as the time arrives to do the dishes. She will tell you about every new exotic germ
or bacteria to hit the world as well as others that haven’t yet ~ and she has
the all! In reality, she is likely to be
the one in the family that internalizes her distress, feelings of loss or
emotional pain and expresses them through real or imagined illnesses. She has yet to learn that healthy expression
of grief can help her heal the feelings that she somaticizes.
Busy Aunt Bea – This delightful person is the one who is
constantly scurrying around cleaning, filling empty glasses or bowls, dusting,
cooking, slicing and dicing everything in sight! Don’t set your plate or cup down for even a
second or she will whisk it away before you can whistle! Staying busy for busyness sake is the name of
her game. She obtains a certain sense of
purpose and identity in what she does.
No one is ever sure whether Aunt Bea ever eats anything because on one
ever sees her sit down. She often
arrives four hours early “just to help out a bit” after staying up all night
the night before doing last minute baking and cooking. She is secretly afraid of what might happen
to her if she ever slows down to take care of herself.
Paula Plastic – Paula is the shopping addict of the bunch! The more credit cards the merrier! Why buy just one gift per person when three
will do? Worry about the bills at the
end of the month? Not her! She is a sucker for the “No payments until
June” kind of advertisements that litter the media! Rampant, unchecked spending is just a way to
medicate her feelings of loneliness, loss or insignificance. Each shopping binge is the next “fix” in this
debilitating addiction. No matter how
much she spends or buys, it is never enough!
Betty Buffet – This person is the one who just loves the
Holidays because of all the wonderful food of the Season! She is the one who has continual cravings for
food. The cravings are often experienced
as a compulsion and she feels no personal power to moderate her eating. This may be an unconscious attempt to fill an
emotional void with food. Many families
have at least one person who fits this description and sometimes, entire
families are afflicted by this malady.
Betty can easily become the butt of many cruel jokes and remarks. She
might even laugh with those who deride her all the while shriveling on the
inside.
Uncle Bud Wiser – The funny walk, the lampshade on the head,
the clown of the party – the holes in the wall, the angry words, damaged
relationships, lost jobs. Everyone knows
that he has a problem with alcohol but no one is willing to approach him about
his problem. Drinking in moderation has
no meaning for him. He is like the
proverbial elephant in the living room that no one wishes to acknowledge. When he passes out on the floor, his family
either steps over him and allows him to “rest,” or they put him to bed to let
him sleep it off. Where his usual three
cans of beer a day is sufficient during the rest of the year, three six packs a
day for the long weekend during the Holidays might be his reward for working so
hard the rest of the year. He deserves
to “tie one on and on and on!” He may be
funny – but for how long?
Flighty Freida – The person stays on the move constantly! She seemingly travels anywhere her heart
desires! Don’t count on her to attend
your family gatherings because she might not arrive. Even if she does come home
for the Holidays, she is like a humming bird flitting from one conversation to
another never lighting long enough to establish any meaningful connections with
anyone. Although she appears to be care
free and well adjusted, she may be seeking to avoid some unpleasant feelings or
memories connected with family and family gatherings. If she can just keep moving, she will be ok –
it is difficult to hit a moving target!
Damper Dave – This character is the family’s altruistic
do-gooder and he carries it to a fault. Reaching
out to your brother in need is very healthy and helpful but Dave will seek to
make you feel guilty for simply breathing!
Dave’s over dedication to causes may be efforts to assuage his guilt for
some real or imagined part he has played in another’s misfortune. A type of Messiah Complex can develop out of
which he may gain a sense of individual worth and meaning. In the process, he can make life around the
family gathering rather uncomfortable.
Perfect Pete – Perfection is the name of his game. He is looking for the perfect meal, the
perfect gift, the perfect song, the perfect outfit, the perfect setting, the
perfect weather, the PERFECT HOLIDAY! Unfortunately, not everything is perfect and
sets himself up for a big letdown by fostering unrealistic expectations for
himself and others in the family. He
will often let others know of his disappointments in an effort to enlist their
sympathy and help in ensuring that the next gathering will be flawless. One tiny blemish on the day and the WHOLE DAY
is shot! His striving for perfection can
be a way to avoid facing the day-to-day imperfections and disappointments in
life and give him reason to grieve vicariously through setting up impossible
situations destined to fail.
In Charge Marge – This is the person who is the controller –
the one who calls all the shots! Marge
will determine where each person will be seated, who will take pictures, what
jobs each will have, etc. If she is not
in charge, she has no meaning or worth.
Challenges to her authority threaten not just the day but her entire
existence. Everyone must play his or her
assigned role. This can be a
particularly harrowing experience when one of the family members brings in a
new friend or spouse. The new addition
is expected to “know” the rules and is often made to feel inferior or
inadequate because they do not. It then
becomes Marge’s job to take the new one aside and school him or her in the
intricacies of family ways. As long as
Marge is in control, she doesn’t have to think about the daily struggles and
losses she faces.
The Next Installment
I will post another essay next week related to the Holidays that outlines Five Steps to a Meaningful Holiday Season. In the Meantime, Peace!
Mark
Copyright 1994 By Mark E. Hundley,
M.ED., LPC & Vanessa Moore-Hundley, M.ED, LPC
