Hey, Guys! I know I’m about to date myself here, but do any of you remember the song Cinnamon by a fellow named Derek back in the late 60’s? If you haven’t heard the song, it really deserves a little Googling! The history of the song and artist is quite fascinating! I believe it climbed to number 11 on the charts before going by the wayside! Anyway, part of the song went something like this: "Knock, knock, Let me in, I won’t go away! I’m gonna see you if it takes all day!"
Now I can only assume that young Cinnamon had given something that was quite wonderful to the fledgling troubadore singing those words! So wonderful in fact, that he decided to come back for more of whatever he had gotten from Cinnamon in the first place! This guy was very persistent and pointed in his attempts to get her to open the door and comply with his wishes. From the lyrics, it appears that she wanted no part of a repeat performance! She had closed her door and was not opening it for anything or anyone — especially him!
Now there can be all sorts of speculation about what took place between Cinnamon and the young man in question to begin with; however, suffice it to say that whatever it was, the guy was hooked! Cinnamon? Well, we really don’t know for sure! All we hear is a one-sided conversation! But we can only guess! Nowadays, the young man’s actions could be construed as harassment at minimum and perhaps even stalking! Instead of just knocking on the door! He would likely be texting her like crazy! Calling and leaving messages on land and cell lines! Sending multiple emails! Oh! You KNOW folks like that, do you? Well, read on!
What is my purpose in writing this? My thoughts have to do with building better boundaries — personal boundaries — that create opportunities for us to establish better control of our lives in the process. I can only assume that Cinnamon had a little trouble establishing boundaries in her life! Speculation leads me to believe that she had a tendency to vacillate between two ends of the same continuum — extremely collapsed (or non-existent) boundaries or extremely rigid ones (to the point that she constructed walls around her life)! Otherwise, I am not really sure she would have found herself being serenaded by the poor stricken fool!
Often, when mean times enter our lives, we find ourselves torn between one of these two extremes related to personal boundaries. We tend to either open the door for anyone and everyone to walk through, view, examine, touch, discuss, cuss, dissect and debate the intimate details of our struggles or we completely block all people out essentially establishing ourselves as stoic statues — in need of nothing from anyone! What’s this about?
Allow me to address a couple of aspects of this complicated process.
On one hand, when we find ourselves in the middle of some crisis or difficulty, we tend to look for advice; answers; ideas; fixes; guidance from just about any place we can find it! Sometimes we are fortunate and serendipitously discover an answer or direction without being hurt in the process. More often than not, when we share the details of a current struggle with those who may be unknown quantities — many times indiscriminately — then we open ourselves up for all kinds of people to traipse through our lives gathering up anything that is not secure! This could be just one reason for the rise of identity theft; on line scams; Internet predators; get-rich-quick schemes; relationship con artists; etc!
On the other hand, we sometimes choose to build an impenetrable castle around our life because we have either been in the middle of or seen the effects of the opposite in the life of someone near to us! We become leery; scared; mistrusting; closed; rejecting; and cynical!
Have you ever found yourself in one of these two positions?
The fact of the matter is that both of these boundary situations can create increased heartache and distress — adding even more to the trouble we already face!
I would like to propose a solution for your consideration! Now there are no guarantees that this suggestion will cure all ills for you, but I believe it might give you some food for thought and a starting place. You see — I believe that each one of us possesses within us the necessary resiliencies and resources to handle anything that comes our way! We just sometimes need to have our pump primed. So . . . here goes!
- Take a piece of paper and draw a "Bull’s Eye" target on it consisting of five circles.
- In the middle circle (the bull’s eye itself) write "Intimate Friends" and then write the names of those you consider intimate friends — Likely no more than 3 to 5 people will actually be listed here.
- In the second circle write "Good Friends" and then follow the same practice of writing the names of people you consider to be good friends — Likely you will list no more that 5 to 10 people here.
- In the third circle write "Fairly Good Friends" following the same procedure as before — The number of people here is likely to vary greatly from person to person.
- In the fourth circle write "Acquaintances" and list as many as come to mind here — This circle could contain many, many people.
- In the fifth circle write "Outsiders" — You don’t necessarily have to write any names here because this circle will generally be made up of people you have yet to meet!
Now if after completing this exercise you discover that you have attempted to place "the whole world" in your center circle — YOU HAVE NO BOUNDARIES! If on the other hand, you have most everyone spread in the three outermost circles, then YOUR BOUNDARIES ARE TOO RIGID! This is a fairly simple exercise, but one that can help you clarify who your "go to" people are in times of crisis!
What we seek are Healthy Boundaries — Boundaries that are Purposely Permeable. In other words, we want boundaries that empower us to manage the degree of influence people have in our lives and do so with conscious and purposeful evaluation. One of the beauties of healthy boundaries is that we can actually chart where we place people in our life and articulate the reasons for that placement. Another beauty is that as we grow, people can actually be assigned different places at different times. How often have you been introduced to a new person only to discover that the two of you have so much in common that they quickly move from your "Outsider" category to your "Good Friend" or perhaps "Intimate Friend" category fairly quickly? See what I mean?
We neither need to be boundary-less or so rigid that we are completely cut off from the outside world. We just need to be able to manage our relationships though Purposefully Permeable Boundaries that help us know to whom we can turn and for what reasons when times get tough.
I encourage you to complete this exercise; determine to seek advice and counsel from those within the first two circles of your "target;" and then periodically update the chart to see how it changes as you change. The best way to embrace the challenges of the mean times is with a sense that you possess all that is necessary to do so successfully — and one of the best places to begin is by building better boundaries — boundaries that lead you to the right resources for the challenges you face!
Peace!
Mark
Copyright 2008 Mark E. Hundley
