Dog-gone-it! As much as I hate to admit this, sometimes the "mean times" that enter my life do so as a result of choices that I make! As much as I would like to shift blame or responsibility to someone or something else it is I who opend the door and ivited trouble in for a visit. I am sure that we all have felt the discomfort of the spotlight as it reveals our foibles; our failures; our fractured thinking. So . . . perhaps you can identify with me here.
Sometimes, the mean times I create are as a result of choices made in the wake of personal tragedy when I am not thinking clearly or as a result of clouded and confused personal boundaries. Often the choices are born from some toxic interpretation of one or more aspects of my personal belief system. At other times, the choices emerge from desperation, confusion or loneliness. Still other choices have their genesis in fear.
I have discovered that — in my life at least — the "mean times" I experience that can be traced to choices I have made are often the most difficult to face and reconcile. When I am truly honest with myself, I have no one to hold responsible but me!
Nineteen years ago, I faced a tragedy that completely altered the path of my life when my wife of 12.5 years died a mere two hours after leaving our house for work. On her way to teach senior English, she was involved in single car accident sustaining injuries that were incompatible with survival. I suddenly found myself the single father of a seven year-old daughter struggling to make sense of the senseless — working to create hope when all appeared hopeless.
I made some really sound choices in the first few months and I made some real stinkers as I fought to regain a sense of control over my destiny. Life was a real roller-coaster!
Fortunately for us, Christy and I had purchased some life insurance in the event that the unthinkable would ever happen to either one of us. Those funds did several things for me — paid off debt; provided funds for me to return to college for graduate school; bought precious time for me to spend with my daughter; and made me feel really guilty. Does that sound funny? Well, it’s the truth! I felt so very guilty for having that money — like it was some sort of "blood money" or something! What I really wanted was to have my wife back. As much as I was grateful for the scant freedom it provided for a short time, I still felt badly for having it! I worked on that part in therapy — took a long time to come to terms with those feelings.
Now to the part about the decision that I wish I could blame on someone or something else. One thing I have learned — money has a magnetic affect on people. If you don’t believe me, ask anyone who has ever won the lottery and they will tell you about it! To make a long story short, a good friend of mine came to me out of desperation needing a loan. Now wait! Don’t jump ahead!
I struggled internally — bouncing between my intuition, my "fractured faith" and my love for my friend. My intuition told me, "No! You are not a bank! What remains is for you and your daughter! Your friend will understand!" My "fractured faith" said, "Trust God! Give from your heart and it will be given back to you!" My love for my friend urged, "He is in need! He will pay you back — Guaranteed! No need to worry!" What did I do? You might have guessed. I made the loan — in three installments. Each time I wrote a check, my intuition groaned; my soul ached; my mind whirled; my stomach churned. At some level I knew I was making a mistake, but my lack of clear boundaries and my fractured faith somehow clouded my judgement. $42,500.00 later I was an emotional wreck — anxious, fearful, ashamed and angry!
I am convinced that 99% of us never go into debt intending to walk away from an obligation; however, unforseen circumstances occur at times that make paying back indebtedness difficult at best. That was the case in this scenario. In summary, here are the results of my choice: Only $9,000 was ever recaptured; my friendship was shattered; my finanial situation crippled; my self-esteem badly damaged.
It took me the better part of 17 years to fully come to terms with this situation. Only within the past couple of years have I been able to focus on the REAL ISSUE here — my decision! I could have refused to make the loan and the outcome would have been better, perhaps — certainly different! One thing I did learn was that I need to listen to my "gut" a little better.
In the years since that time, however, I have been able use the lessons learned to counsel widows and widowers to make wiser decisions — to connect them with financial professionals who have guided them to manage assets in ways that helped secure dreams and hopes as they worked to reconcile their own personal tragedies.
Yes — I was the problem in this situation — plain and simple. No one else to blame!
Here are my questions for today: Are there choices made by you that have created unwanted "mean times" to invade your life? Are you still looking to blame someone or something else for those troubles? Do you struggle to build healthy boundaries around your life so your decisions can be made from a platform of strength?
Perhaps today is the day you begin forgiving yourself for past mistakes and working to create a life filled with possibility. Perhaps . . .
Peace!
Mark
Copyright 2008 Mark E. Hundley
